Monday, December 31, 2012

Ending Of One Chapter, Beginning Of The Next

I can't believe the year is about to be OVER!  It's so funny reflecting on the things  I was doing around this time last year and how far I've come in life.  2012 has been somewhat rough on me I feel, but filled with tons of growing experiences if I do say so.  Last year I was this person worried about graduating from college by the end of 2012 and figuring out what to do with myself.  Although there were times when I really thought I couldn't do all of my work I pushed through and made it.  For that I can only thank God and my parents for telling me not to stop.  Because of that I became the first person in my household to graduate from college, but not just any college the state flagship university which is a pretty big deal if you ask me.  Now I'm trying to make moves in an effort to start obtaining my Master's degree in the Fall.  Like it's seriously just amazing to me.  I'm just ready to start my life and my career like every other college graduate.  I just have to put the work forth in an effort to reach those goals.  I know that a big issue of mine is I set goals then I kind of forget about them.  Academically I don't have time to play these games anymore.

Around this time last year I was also in a relationship, but as the year came to a close that did too.  I've seriously sat and been sad over it for some time, but now I think it's just time to let things go.  My family has offered me so much advice on what happened and I really think my Mom's advice was the best.  No matter how often she tells me I become so wrapped up in relationships with guys I don't believe her and I'm only 23.  I should be living life, being happy, and dating around instead of just "settling down" with one person.  Oddly enough I've heard this from an older man at one of my favorite restaurants in Athens.  He was speaking with me about whether or not I had a boyfriend and if I loved him.  Upon telling him yes to both things he told me that I was too young to be with just one person and being "in love" with them.  I remember sitting there shaking my head at what he was saying because I loved this guy and had no interest in being with anyone else.  I think I'm going to take the advice of my Mom and this older fellow.  I have sooooooo much to learn about love you guys.  I think I know what love is because I'm nearly 23 and I'll be the first person to holler about how 16 or 17 year old people have no clue what love is, but the reality is that I don't know myself.  I think love is someone spending time with me or doing special things out of the blue, but there is so much more to it that I need to learn.  With that said I also need to stop focusing so much on becoming this single 30 year old Black woman that the media talks about because that is part of the reason why I end up in these situations.  I also need to go ahead and admit that I'm somewhat shallow when it comes to men.  I've had the chance to date some pretty nice guys, but because they didn't look the way that I envisioned or I couldn't imagine them in a certain light I looked over them.  By doing this I've found myself just dealing with heartbreak and viewing men, particularly Black ones, as not being worth the effort.  I already know that I'm about to be dealing with major trust issues in my next relationship because I'm to the point where I seriously don't trust men, which I hate saying.

I really just want to enjoy 2013 and learn about myself.  I feel like I've spent the past 22 years living for others and it's really time to just live for myself in an effort to make me happy.   I want to do all of the things that I feared doing in the past because I'm tired of living with regrets.

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