Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 1

Well sometimes around 1:30 or 2AM my relationship ended.  It came out of nowhere and the reasoning behind it probably hit me the worst.  He and I hadn't been talking much of this semester which was leading to a good share of fights and me feeling somewhat neglected.  He pretty much said that me moving to D.C. would be too much for him and he didn't want to spend his life waiting around on me.  The kicker was when I asked if he were breaking up with me I just kept hearing, "I still love you" or maybe that was my imagination.  For the people who view me as some heartless, emotionless person I wish you could see me now.  My eyes are red and puffy from going to sleep crying and waking up crying.  I've never been this hurt in my life.  Every break-up I have it seems like the other person is unsure of what they're doing.  I've heard, "We haven't spoke in awhile.  Do you know what I'm saying?" and now "What do we learn from this?"  Last night I was pretty much given the choice as to what I wanted to do, but the thing was he'd already said if I moved to D.C. he wasn't going to sit around and wait so there wasn't much of an option.  It's not like I would say, "Let's stay together until we find out if I got in" because if we did that and I got accepted (which I will as I know in my heart) it would have been pretty much placing stitches in a head wound and the doctor removing them before it's healed.  I didn't want that.  No girl wants that.  It would pretty much be me walking around with a smile on my face as if everything is all right until March, but in reality there was a piece of me that wanted that option.  My brain just knew it wasn't smart.  I had already been telling some of my closer friends in Athens that I just felt like he had fallen out of the relationship and maybe his newly developed feelings on my post-graduation plans were the deciding factor.

Like any normal person that deals with a break-up I start to question myself.  Maybe I was too mean, didn't show enough love, or obviously perhaps someone else came in the picture that caught his eye and someone that could give him the attention needed.  I honestly just sit replaying everything in my mind that could have gone wrong.  Do I think he's a bad person?  No, this was probably for the best and later on down the road I'll appreciate it.  I guess I kind of just wish this could have been held off, but that's just my heart talking again because this probably would have been much worse if it were before Christmas.  I even found myself in a somewhat weak position last night as I sent him a text at 4 o'clock in the morning apologizing for whatever I could have done.  As I wrote the sentence out a piece of me felt like I was just begging him to not do this.  I also found myself just feeling physically sick.  I remember telling him that I just wanted to throw up and even this morning I feel the same exact way.  I couldn't even finish my sausage this morning and I'll be surprised if I eat much tomorrow.

He tells me that I'd still be his best friend, but sh*t just doesn't work like that.  It's like sitting there knowing everything that you've had for a person, but taking the second best option of just remaining a close friend.  Then someone else comes along that the person develops strong feelings for and you're pushed out of the way. No girlfriend/boyfriend probably wants to hear that you're best friends with an ex that you claim to have had such strong feelings for, but that could just be me.  I'm not sure if I've said this, but he's not a bad person.  I don't want to spend two years being upset with him and turning my nose up everytime I see him or his name comes across my phone, but it's not like I'm going to be at his house tomorrow giving him a hug as if everything is all right.  In five years the longest I've been "single" was six months and those six months were pretty much the time when I was going out on dates with this guy.  I'm just going to take the next year or so as time to get to know myself.  I guess this does ruin my plan of being engaged by 25 though which I can chuckle about.  I guess this is the time when I start training for a marathon or something.  Perhaps you guys will see me in the Brazil Olympics.  Maybe?  Anything is possible...right?

It wouldn't surprise me if I start just writing about my feelings after all of this because this is probably the longest I've gone without crying since it all took place.

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